Intimacy Part II – The Truth
The real story.
I’ve never liked to feel exposed. If you read Intimacy Part I…I mean REALLY read it, and by REALLY read it I mean read INTO it, you’d see it’s easy to see I’m telling the truth about not liking feeling exposed. I really say nothing about myself in the post. I’m discussing intimacy and I’m not being intimate.
So, now I’m going to be. I’m going to be because I’m not used to it. I’m going to be because I want to be authentic, because I want people to feel they can relate and I want you to feel a little uncomfortable when you read this.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. When, at 15, my friends were spending time at skating rinks and slumber parties…I was in my bedroom listening to music, alone. At 18, when all of my friends were having sex, my boyfriend was breaking up with me because I wouldn’t kiss him. When everyone else was getting married and having children I was having sex for the first time (at age 27).
Part of this late bloomer stuff relates to my being sensory defensive but the other part is something a bit different. It’s an issue of trust. When you’re used to being let down, you kinda get used to being let down. In fact, you learn to expect it. You may even learn how to screw things up that are going well since, well, you’re sure they’ll mess up in the end.
Doesn’t all of that seem very sad? It probably stirs up some feelings of when you’ve been let down. It does me. As I write it I feel tinges of sadness wanting to take over and pull me down but I don’t let it anymore and here’s why…
I’ve learned that it’s up to me to take responsibility for the things that have failed, and the ones that may continue to fail. Not ALL things are our fault. Not ALL things work out perfectly. There’s always an exception but mostly…mostly you and I aren’t special.
Many people feel they’ve been let down by someone. Lots of people are hurt. Grown men wish they could have a better relationship with their father. Women wish the relationship they have with their mothers weren’t so tumultuous. Fathers wish they could have a better relationship with their daughters…this list goes on and on.
These feelings and issues of trust all form from expectations we’ve created within ourselves. People are going to let you down because nobody will ever match your personal expectations. Nobody. Ever. (with the sake of those few exceptions)
Go ahead. Ask yourself one question. How easy has it been to match up to your own expectations?