by sensitivestorm

I’ve been asking myself lately what exactly it is I am attracting and how. Let me share a few things with you. A timeline if you will.

Part I:  The Timeline, If You Will

Feburary 2010, my dad is diagnosed with cancer, he’s 65

December 2010, in remission. Broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. The one I moved to Jacksonville with. The one I thought I’d marry one day. The one I thought was my “soulmate”.

April, 2011, my father died

September 2011, had to move out of my apartment in Jacksonville because my hours were cut at work

September 2011, moved into a room I rented from a lady who lived near the beach

December 2011, re-broke up with my boyfriend. We got back together (sort of) after my dad died. I was alone in Jacksonville and didn’t have any family there. After my father I died I was lost and in a haze for a while. About 7 months. When I started to snap out of it I looked around and re-evaluated my situation.

January 2012, started a Ph.D program

January 2012, ended my Ph.D program after discovering I couldn’t get anymore financial aid. All correspondence from ONE loan was going to an old address and it was never forwarded to me. Therefore, the loan went into default.

January 2012, found out I had a student loan in default (all because the correspondence was going to my sister’s house. For one year. And she never told me)

February 2012, got laid off from my job

March 2012, moved in with a friend “rent-free”

March 2012, got into an auto accident. I rear ended a lady at a red light. All traffic was stopped. Light changed to green. We all started to move (including her) and then she slammed on her breaks. I hit her. Just want to add I have a Scion tc and she had a Yukon. There was NO damage to her vehicle. After waiting for the police (which really didn’t need to be called) she decided she was in pain and went to the hospital. I was ticketed for the accident because she went to the hospital. The state trooper said he would have only done an exchange of information had she not gone to the hospital.

April 2012, my new roomie leaves to visit her family in another state and leaves her 16 year old with me. For over a month. Surprise!

April 2012, I apply for food stamps and unemployment. I get both.

May 2012, quit smoking and become a vegetarian (had to throw in something happy)

May 2012, I receive an email through to apply for a job. I apply. I get the job. It’s temporary. Where is it? Ohhhh at home. The place I moved away from.

May 2012, I move back home. With my mom.

May 2012, I get a letter from the insurance company asking how I can pay the 25,000 I owe them *scratches head*

May 2012, ^^ignored the above

June 2o12, depressed, but working and wondering if my job will end in August

July 2012, depressed, but working and wondering if my job is going to end in August or if I’ll get hired on permanently

August 2012, depressed, still working. Get hired on full time. Things start looking up. Start saving money.

October 2012, decide to take steps that will allow me to obtain teaching certification in Florida.

November 2012, learn my job is ending in May of 2013. (good call on the teaching thing) Actually, everyone’s job is ending in May. We are contracted with the State of Florida. Reconnect with a long time friend that lives in South Carolina.

December 2012, decide to move to South Carolina.

January 2013, decide to move back to Jacksonville.

Oh look, that’s right now. I’m in the process of figuring it all out. I started two other blogs today before caving and just writing this one. It wanted to come out and I realized something while reading Gordon Fisherman’s blog. (not his real name, nor is that the name of his blog. Nor is the name of his blog his real name) I realized that his blogs can hold my attention. I actually read everything he posts. I think it’s because they are real. When I read them it feels like I’m having a conversation with a friend. I’m just listening to how their day went. I think it’s how he’s writing them. They seem to just…flow. Maybe he’s making it up. I really don’t care. I just appreciate the organic feel of them.

Since I started this blog I realized that the WordPress people really like to read. I’ve subscribed to some blogs and I enjoy reading most of them. Some of them I just skim. Eh. My point is, the stuff I wrote about here is very personal. Some of you wouldn’t share all the stuff I did. But, I am discovering that I prefer authenticity and I, therefore, want to be more authentic. (at least sometimes)

I can’t believe I’m moving again. I just got here. This will be the 5th move since September of 2011. According to some scale somewhere I’m due for a life-threatening illness pretty soon. I feel like I have it under control so I hope to scathe away any potential subsequent illness.


Part II: Mid-Life Crisis Epiphany

Is this a mid-life crisis thing? I turned 37 in November. Isn’t this the time these things happen? Back to the main point of this blog. Law of attraction. I still haven’t figured it out yet but I’m hoping my move back to Jax will do the trick. I’m trying to see a pattern but I can’t. Yet. I think the death of my father really affected my motivation. I think maybe I could’ve tried a little harder in Jax when I was looking for a job. In 3 months I had one interview.

I could’ve networked a little better. Tried a bit harder. I wanted to get back into teaching but there was hiring freeze in all surrounding counties. Instead I applied for social work jobs (which I really didn’t want)…which just gave me some insight! I didn’t get any bites because I didn’t want those jobs. I pushed them all away with my thoughts. I even hated applying for them. I felt like I was going backward. Going back into a career I didn’t wang. I felt defeated. I haven’t told you but I had shingles when I was 30 due to the stress of my job. Shingles! I conducted in-home based treatment services for individuals involved in the Department of Children and Families.

In the meantime, I’m still in the process of trying to work out all the details of my next move. Literal and figurative. I feel pretty positive about it because it’s what I call and “active” decision. It’s what I want to do and not what I feel I’m being forced to do. It’s not something I feel I have to do for reasons outside of myself. I am not torn in two directions and choosing between the two. It somehow feels right.

When I was really sad a few months back I went to a therapist to talk about all of the transitions I was going through. She said to me – I feel like your mind is trying to answer the questions your heart is asking. Then she said “Carmen, what is your heart saying?”  I couldn’t answer, but I’m working on it.

I found the secret to life.

I’m okay when everything is not okay. ~ Tori Amos


*all photos on my blog are taken and designed by me*