My Heart

by sensitivestorm

“New lovers are nervous and tender but smash everything. For the heart is an organ of fire.” ~ Count Almasy


Part I: The light stuff

Michael Ondaatje breaks my heart. With a simple pen stroke he captures, in writing, emotion that expresses my soul. (and I just checked him out on Amazon, he has the same birthday as my dad). He’s an author and if you haven’t seen the movie The English Patient well you simply must. He wrote it and that’s where the above quote is from.

The book is different than the movie (duh) but the movie is phenomenal and one of my top ten favorite movies of all times. It’s heart wrenching. I mean it. It’s probably the most poignant thing I’ve ever witnessed on screen. It came out in 1996 and won Best Picture. Actually, it won nine academy awards. Maybe everyone else was watching Jerry Maguire.

A clip. I can’t even listen to the music. Last time I watched the movie was 2004. I have seen it twice and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to watch it again. I’m weird like that about things that truly move me. My favorite sci-fi author is Orson Scott Card. He wrote Ender’s Game which turned into a serious of five books. I won’t read the rest of them. I’ve heard it’s actually the same story told through the eyes of the other characters. I’m not reading them. Like, ever. I don’t want them to skew my view of Ender who, at this point, holds the title of leading role of best book character ever.

Part II: The deep stuff

I’ve been thinking more about what that therapist asked me. The thing about my heart and where it is and I’ve come to a conclusion. I think it’s just mostly been broken. I’ve been grieving for a very long time over much loss. I’ve made decisions based upon that. I’ve made rote decisions that I thought I was supposed to make just because I could see no other way.

So, I’ve finally made a decision. I’ve made it for myself. Not because of fear. Not because I can hear my mom telling me I’m making a bad decision. Not because of what I think someone else wants me to do. Not because my friends think I should. Not because I am scared I will fail.

This decision is all mine. I own it. Maybe that’s why it feels right.

And all it took to finally realize I should listen to my heart more often was the worst loss I’ve ever felt. The death of my father and role model, the death of a relationship that I thought could never end, the loss of a job, the complete loss of my footing and the loss of friendships.

I don’t think you’d be able to truly understand all I am saying here if you haven’t experienced this kind of loss. It’s earth shattering. You become frozen. You understand what it means to only see what’s right in front of you because everyone and everything outside of that is too overwhelming to consider. I had blinders on for a long time. It took over a year for the haze to clear up, for the fog to lift and when I finally started seeing again everything looked different. The scenery had changed, but nothing had changed at all. The characters had changed but there were no new people.

I guess I’m happy I can finally say to myself “welcome back”.

Now, where were we?