My Shadow

by sensitivestorm

…It’s not freezing today. That means I’m in a better mood.

I’ve been drinking hot green tea while staring out the window. As usual I have lots of thoughts in my head.

So, I’ve decided to write.

Been thinking about my “dark side” a lot lately. Sometime last year I read a book on our dark sides and how we should embrace them. A song comes to mind. It’s called “Truth” by Alexander Ebert.  The video:

{http://youtu.be/s9yibUR5KNI}

I know I posted this on a previous blog but it’s relevant to both so leave me alone. Here are a few lyrics that really stick out for me “the truth is that I never shook my shadow, every day it’s trying to trick me into battle calling out ‘faker’ trying to get my rattled…”

Makes me want to ask myself a question.

Have I ever shook my shadow?

{insert an old record scratch sound here because that’s what just happened in my head. I’m still listening to music by Edward Sharp and it’s pretty perky. I can’t find my shadow. Could be the green tea but I’m willing to bet it’s this damn perky music. So, I’m going to change the music to something a little more appropriate. Fever Ray. She usually works. Now, where were we…}  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VedQP_j4JoU

Our dark sides destroy. Steal our spirits. Takes our lives out of our hands. It destroys relationships. Makes us feel vulnerable and leaves us handicapped. But, why? Why do we have two lives in our minds? Why should we have to? Is it a battle of social norm or is it a battle with our own soul? Christians might call it satan or the devil. Maybe our “dark sides” are connected to out past lives.

Maybe it does want to destroy us. Maybe it wants to teach us something. I know I judge my shadow. I judge other peoples too. Here’s an example:  Lets say my dark side wants to have a lot of sex. You might judge that. You might (or someone else might) call me a slut or a whore. You might wonder if I have have some DSM diagnosis and if something happened to me as a child that’s making me act out. You may even try to “help” me. Give me a lecture about why I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing, etc. But the interesting part is…

While you are judging me, I’d be judging myself. I’d be asking myself questions…why am I doing this? Are people judging me? Should I change my behavior? Is God displeased with me? What do my family and friends think of me? Should I stop? AM I a slut? What’s wrong with me.

The inner dialogue goes on and on and it isn’t just about sex. It can be about eating. It can be about being angry. Doing drugs. Drinking. Smoking. Being rude. Not forgiving people. Being selfish. Cheating. Any of the 7 Deadly Sins. You get the point.

Actually, I don’t think I have much more to learn about my shadow. I think I know what it wants and desires. I’m starting to accept those things about myself. Now, admitting them to others…that’s a different story.

Is there a Darkside 12-Step group? Boy, I bet that could be dangerous.

…but fun.

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