The Sensitive Storm

Beneath the surface, a storm brews.

Month: April, 2013

Self-Discovery

My past three weeks have been intoxicating. Disturbing. Liberating. The synchronicity is so prevalent it’s almost manifested itself as something tangible. I can’t wait to see where all of this is going. I’ve tried to think of words to put meaning on the events but I can’t come up with anything no matter how I try. Instead, I’ll share some photos. I want to give these events life.

*all photos were taken with my iPhone*

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Something’s emerging within me. 

It’s begging to escape the boundaries of my flesh and bones. 

It craves my attention and beckons me to give in.  

Hello/Goodbye

I’ve lived in the past for a long time. I’m still living in the past and I’ve only recently come to realize it.

This April is two years since my father died of cancer and I’ve been depressed and angry ever since. When I am “okay” I think about it from an objective point of view by asking myself questions like…how long have I REALLY been depressed? Why do I feel angry? How did the death of my father lead me to where I am now? Did it lead me to where I am now? What is grief? How long does it last? Am I still grieving?

When I asked myself those questions I realized I’ve been sad and angry a lot longer than my dad’s death. I learned he had cancer on Valentines Day in 2010. I went inward. Even more inward. I subsequently expressed what I was feeling through photographs. I, of course, didn’t realize this until about a year later.

I took my anger out on Jeremy, my boyfriend at the time. Everything went downhill fast. My relationship, my mood and my plans. I had a conversation with Jeremy once that went like this:

Me: why are we fighting so much?

Jeremy: I don’t know. When do you think it started?

Me: about 6 months ago

Jeremy: you know what happened 6 months ago?

Me: no

Jeremy: you’re dad was diagnosed with cancer

I know I keep bringing this up. It must get old reading about the same thing over and over. Carmen’s sad because her dad died…blah blah blah. Oh! Speaking of that (death) I had a dream last night that my family packed into a van and guess who was driving? My dad. Strange since the last dream I had of him we were in a camper and he was driving.

Getting back to my point. My depression does not just start with my father being diagnosed with cancer. I’ve made decisions over the past few years without really thinking about them first. I’ve always been someone who “goes with their gut” and although that has helped keep me safe along the way, something is missing. Completely. And I can’t seem to find it…but I see glimpses which is how I know it exists. It beckons me.

But, what’s missing? What am I doing wrong?

I had a conversation this week with a dear friend and he said I am “muted”. I thought about it and responded that I’ve always been muted. He said I’m meant for bigger things. I said I’m afraid and then he says “you’re the rabbit” and leaves for a moment to come back with this box titled The Peace Box (circa 1970) and upon opening the box I see the following books

The_Peace_Box_Series2

The books are poems of sorts. Here’s a really good description of them: Peace, Love and Art  and this, one of my favorite pages from the book I read titled “The Rabbit Box”.

The_Rabbit_Box_9

“i was the nervous white rabbit of your arms. i didn’t deserve to be loved that much but you figured time was short & life was tricky and i guess it was fun sometimes or maybe i was in spite of myself less painful to you than most”

and this describes “the rabbit”

The_Rabbit_Box_3

The_Rabbit_Box_2“if crocuses in the dirty snow made you cry & remember things…those things you remembered, that is my name i am the rabbit”

My sensitivity sees all things. I am the rabbit. I was even born in the year of the rabbit, whatever that means.

I think what I am reminding myself of here is to give myself a break. I don’t need all the answers and I may never have them. But, making love to every leaf that moves and crying over things remembered in dirty snow is something only few people can do. I am one of those people. Luckily for you I can capture those images with my camera and share them with you and then just for that single moment you too are looking at what I see that others can’t.

Shadows

Color Me Rad Photos {Jacksonville, FL}

Color_me_rad

Let me be clear. I didn’t run this. I wanted to. I started to train for it back in November but when I moved to SC I never got back “on track” (pun intended) and haven’t picked it back up.

Yet.

Ehile I was there cheering on my friend Jordan (and watching her daughter while she & her husband ran) I was able to snap a few shots.

Cover Letters & Monkey Minds

I’ve written all kinds of cover letters in the past 2 months. The job search has been a pain. I had a phone interview yesterday with a lady that forgot we had an interview the day before…maybe she’ll forget to hire me?

I have some observations from the past week.

Observation One

Monkey

Monkey. Google.

“Monkey mind” is something Buddhists call a mind that cannot be still. An undisciplined mind, if you will. Monkey mind distracts us from being in the moment. It judges, analyzes and worries and therefore, it’s shit. Stop the monkey mind. That’s been on my (monkey) mind.

Seriously though…

Monkey mind has been in my thoughts but what’s been in my thoughts even more is the idea of getting back to meditating. I used to meditate at a Buddhist temple in Tampa, Fl. and I know there’s one in Jax. I had a bell. I had cushions, candles, a Buddha statue and a place set aside just for meditation. I miss it.

I was reminded of it the other day at the drum circle when, as part of the opening ceremony, we chanted together. There were about 40 people and we all had our heads toward the center of the circle. It was a tight fit and my arms were so scrunched up that I ended up only being able to lay them on the center of my chest.

DrumCircleWhy yes, yes I did take pictures while IN the circle. Only two though.

Have you ever “Om’d” with others? Or by yourself? It’s fantastic. I tried to find a good YouTube video on it but they all suck. The closest thing I can explain in regards to experiencing it is if you where ever in choir or if you’ve ever been part of a singing group. When everyone is on the same note and holding it there’s a certain vibration, a unified chord, note or tone that emerges and it sounds like one voice. One very strong voice. It’s cool and therefore the Om is cool. As a matter of fact, you should try it.

You can start in whatever key you’d like. It turns into 3 sounds. The first part is “a” (long a) and turns into an “o” which turns into an “m” sound. Now you know what it’s supposed to sound like, where do you start? Just start. Take a really big breath (from your diaphragm) and just bust out with it.

OmOm. Google.

It doesn’t matter how long or short your Om is. Do it for as long as you want. In my experience, it’s better when it’s longer. To me it feels like I’m cleaning out my system. It’s purifying. Not to mention it lowers blood pressure and heart rate.

My roommate and I Om’d on Easter Sunday at the park. There was something magical about it. I kept thinking someone was going to come up and do it with us which, in my intuitive mind, makes me think someone wanted to. It’s a freeing feeling when you can do something like that and not worry about being judged or worry about what other people think.

While looking up at the sky I saw this “J”. Weird huh.

J

Observation Two

The damn cover letters.

Saying the same things over and over and over again. Repeat. Change a few words. Repeat. Change the address. Repeat.
Change the salutation. Repeat. Revise a paragraph. Repeat.

Out of all this, I feel an actual cover letter emerging. I real cover letter. One that actually says who I am and not what I think employers want to hear. Something that truly explains who I am.

I am reminded of when I had the students in my Critical Thinking class “observe” a fruit for 45 minutes. They each brought in a piece of fruit for the project. Once class commenced I had them make two columns on their single sheet of paper. The left column was headed “Observations” and the right side “Distractions”. I had them write everything they could about the fruit on the left hand side. The smell, touch, taste, texture, anything at all. On the right hand side I had them write down when their thoughts strayed onto something other than observing the fruit. Some examples were “thought about what to make for dinner”, “why is she making us do this”, “someone just walked by the classroom”, etc.

I am reminded of this project because of Swiss paleontologist, Louis Agassiz’ approach to teaching a pupil how to observe. Google “look at your fish”.

Scudder gave his reply in terms of what he had seen in his first hours with the fish. Agassiz listened and replied:

“You have not looked very carefully; why,” he continued more earnestly, “you haven’t even seen one of the most conspicuous features of the animal, which is a plainly before your eyes as the fish itself; look again, look again!” and he left me to my misery.

What I am noticing is something is emerging from the repetition. Something that has not yet truly emerged. Something that almost makes me want to write about 50 more cover letters just to see what happens.

Almost.